Dear Peenut

For the days ahead if i'm not with you.
For you have been so cute for 6 months.
For the times when you ate rubbish and had allergies and i had to spend a fortune on you.
For you remind me that you are so human in every way.
For being irritating.

DOGS. are the cutest things you can keep at home. They entertain you all the time. I've never had a time when I was without a dog. They are the cutest pet one can have!

Moving on. Been a LIIIIIITTTLE stressed out lately with uni applications and stuff. Actually not applications, more of choices and which country to go to. With scholarship or without. I just don't get it why some people treat education as the utmost importance in their lives(so they make it ours) Ya i mean people were not born stupid, we just have to study hard to get the grades. With the grades, scholarship awaits u, but that is if you are like President of some club, debate champion, basketball captain, IELTS of 9.0 etc. Some were gifted to be those, some aren't. Why can't you just accept it that I'm not one of them?
I'm scared of interviews, I don't like positions cos it can be tiring, I prefer socializing with people who are like me because I don't have to be someone else infront of them trying to come up with some intellegent facts or whatever, not those intellectual nut heads who know every single fact about the human body because it's so irritating talking to them, I don't aspire to be them either because it's just NO FUN haha, school/college/uni is about having fun and studying at the same time i know you don't get it. Because you were so different from me when you were my age. You were some top student. You got a scholarship to study overseas. You were president of some club. I don't really care.

It irritates me everytime the topic about what imma do with my life comes up. Where to go.
UK? That's only if you get a scholarship. So get one please. Stress betul right.
What's the use of going then? Too much a hassle! I'm just not good enough okay.
Accept that.

I know I'm not one of them, but I'm not that dumb either. I may not study but I don't turn out that bad either. I just need to manage my time properly.. I always had no aims, so I don't have to be stressed/disappointed. Always went with the flow. Study at my own pace, if I get the grades, that's good! God has helped me a lot! So, thank God, through high school, I always made the grades. Hence, the expectation bar is raised each time. You're expected to do better at every examination. so all the burden comes down on me. Since I'm so smart, I can get a scholarship. So don't bother paying for my education cos WE can't afford it. What if I dont get it? I'm screwed. People don't always succeed, you have to know that fact please!

Can you see why I'm sick of studying? I'm not motivated anymore to study? This is why. You don't see it, because you think I'm distracted by other things. You don't know how much pressure you are giving. I shut up because I know better than to argue. Because I know I should be grateful for all that you've done for me. Because there were those years when you took care of me.

But sometimes, it's really hard okay. Seeing you nearly everyday, asking me constantly about my applications, asking me if I had ask God what He wants me to do.YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Asking me repeatedly to pray to God. Not that I haven't okay, but it still hasn't come to me yet!! So what am I suppose to do?? Just wait here? Don't apply till God shows me a way? I have to do my part too right! Sometimes, it's hard being with you. I always wished I was somewhere foreign with only one friend so I can start anew without anyone knowing anything about me, my background.

I may not look like I care, and just accept failure as nothing, but I'm just trying to forget it and move on. Instead, you want me to stop, look at it, ponder about it, reflect about how stupid I was in not passing it, making me feel guilty about it. Dude, it's not gonna make it better. Instead, it's the other way round. Cos i'm not interested anymore. Because, it's like blackmail. Get the grade, everyone's happy, don't get the grade, you're on your own. Everyone gets unhappy. Not even a word of encouragement.

Screw it seriously. I've never been this type of person!